10 Points*help,how Good Is My Business Letter?

Attire has played an important role in our education system here at Sunshine Prep, especially attire that brings out the best in our teachers. Though the quality of education our teachers present among our students has been noted to be “excellent” attire among our faculty has predominantly become more casual. Where instead of seeing teachers wear clothing such as slacks, suits, dressy shirts; Polos, sweatshirts and casual pants have been commonly sighted.
Thus, Prep administrators have come to an agreement to modify the dress code for faculty and return to a “formal” attire. The hopes of this new dress code would signify that Sunshine Prep is a educational environment reflecting a solid commitment to a student’s education and to display a serious educational attitude toward the community and students at prep. This by no means is stating that Sunshine Prep is lacking a solid attitude toward education, but by the current casual apparel being worn by teachers, prospective students and families considering attending prep may not feel that we possess this true educational value.
To truly change the outlook of our school into what we hope to be a more educational environment, it has been decided that the best attire to be worn by men should be dress shirts, ties, dressy pants and a jacket. Upon women similar attire to the men will be the minimum requirement but the option to wear dresses, skirts and suits will be highly appreciated. Since the administrators believe that the faculty will cope with this new policy and because of all the hard work teachers put into teaching their students, we are allowing Fridays to remain as casual dress days; however, jeans, warm ups and sportive attire will not be permitted.
In addition, The Macy’s department store has offered a special invitation to all current Sunshine Prep faculty to attend a one night special extra 20% off discount on all clothing. Aside with refreshments such as wine and cheese. This special invitation will occur on November 25, 2012 prior to when the new dress code officially takes in effect on January 5th 2012. It is Sunshine prep’s hope that the formal dress code take into action the importance of a students education. Eagerly, the administrators and I look forward to begin this new change and see you at the Macy’s special.
Does my letter flow? is it clear and concise? what should i fix? what would you grade it out of 100?
I will give the best answer 10 points, THANK YOU SOOO MUCH!

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2 Responses to “10 Points*help,how Good Is My Business Letter?”

  1. doyle says:

    not too shaby

  2. SumDude says:

    shabby. Too long. don’t know who your audience is. poor word choices, illogical on some points and levels. I give it less than 72%.

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