Could Native English Speakers Please Check And Correct My Sentences For Writing, So They Will Sound Natural?

Online games go hand in hand with monthly fees, and this is arguably one of the main factors that discourage people from trying their hands at them.
In “Dragon Quest X”, players will be temporarily exempt from charge for the first 20 days in real-world time after starting the game. Once the 20-day complimentary period has expired, users will be required to select one of the three available payment plans in order for continued services.
The most basic option being 1000 yen for 30 days, those who wish a discounted rate can slightly benefit from signing up for a longer subscription; either 1950 yen for 60 days, or 2900 yen for 90 days. It should be noted that none of these subscriptions will be automatically renewed.
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I’ve translated an excerpt of a news article from Japanese as practice. I’d appreciate any corrections or advice on improving the sentences with different phrases or sentence constructions. Thank you very much.

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4 Responses to “Could Native English Speakers Please Check And Correct My Sentences For Writing, So They Will Sound Natural?”

  1. Sarcastic Steve says:

    All sounds good to me. You should know that many of the “natural English speakers” on this forum don’t do it very well.

  2. Jack says:

    When you put “exempt from charge” it should be “exempt from charges” also your language is very formal, but this may be as a result I the translation though…

  3. paddypow says:

    If you want it to be perfect, I suggest some changes:
    1) hand-in-hand
    2) (try not to use a comma before a conjunction such as “and”)
    3) exempt from charges for the first 20 days, in real-world time, after starting the game
    4) in order to receive continued services
    5) With the most basic option being…
    6) those who wish to have a discounted rate can benefit more from signing up
    Other than those, you’ve done a good job!

  4. captains says:

    Do this and it will flow more naturally:
    “…trying their hand at them.”
    “…in order to continue the service.”
    “…yen for 30 days. Those who….”
    “…discounted rate can benefit slightly from…”
    “…subscriptions will be renewed automatically.”
    The rest of it is quite nice and seems like one would expect to read in an English language article.
    Nice work!

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