Have You Had Your Puns Today/tonight?

Where did the king put his armies? In his sleevies.
What’s the definition of a will? (Come on, it’s a dead giveaway!)
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patients.
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing? He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Cannibals like to meat people.
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “Oh, pun the door!”
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? He was disbarred.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
“Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder & got a little behind in his work?
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? A coat of paint.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
What musical is about a train conductor? “My Fare, Lady”
Packing up and relocating to a new home can be a moving experience.
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
What jumps from cake to cake and smells of almonds? Tarzipan.
Why did the little fella sleep on the chandelier? Because he was a light sleeper.
The truth may ring out like a bell, but it is seldom ever tolled.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way
In some places fog will never be mist.
What grows up while growing down? A goose.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
Did you hear about the bear that was hit by an 18-wheeler and splattered all over the place? They said it was a grizzly accident.
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did the coach say to his losing team of snakes? You can’t venom all.
A piece of string walked into a bar and said “Gimme a beer!” but the bartender said “Get outta here! We don’t serve your kind here!” So the string left, but he was thirsty, and he really wanted a beer, so he messed up his hair real badly and looped himself around until he had tied himself into a knot. When the string went back into the bar, the bartender looked at him suspiciously and said “Aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?” No, the string replied, “I’m a frayed knot!”
What day of the year is a command to go forward? March 4th.
What is the difference between a miser and a canary? One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.
I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

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One Response to “Have You Had Your Puns Today/tonight?”

  1. The littlest billy goat gruff says:

    You need to start thinking outside the pun.

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