Need Objective Advice On My Situation – Should I Have An Abortion Or Not?

Even though I KNOW I am setting myself up for the trolls of Yahoo Answers, I need to try and find SOMEONE who is willing to give me some objective advice. There is no one in my life who would be able to do so right now, and I cannot afford a counselor to work out everything that I am feeling. Alas, the internet prevails.
May I first start by saying, my boyfriend and I have been together for several years, and I have been on the pill since we first started having sex. I take my pill like a religion (same time every day almost down to the minute) and NEVER miss. Even though we took this precaution, we are facing a VERY unexpected/unplanned pregnancy. I am about 8 weeks pregnant, and we have absolutely no clue how birth control pills failed, but they did.
That being said, I am 25 and he is 29, we are mature enough as adults to handle this situation, but we have VERY different stances on this issue, and this is where I need the advice. I will paint to you our situation, my stance and his stance. I am not asking you guys to “pick sides” so to speak, but I need some objective advice on what may be the best choice.
Our situation: We live together, in a beautiful home where we split the bills. I am a personal trainer (free lance, I work for myself, so my income has peaks and valleys) and he is currently working construction (painting houses, etc.) because the company he was working for (dental/medical sales) shut down at the beginning of the year. My industry has really taken a hit with the economy (not many people want to pay a personal trainer when they can’t afford other things) and he HATES what he is doing now – he really wants to get back in an office, but is having a hard time finding a job. Our income was cut drastically when he switched positions, and I would love to find a second job (and continue personal training on the side) that I could have a guaranteed income. We are paying our bills, but there is not much extra money left over right now.
opinion 1: We, as mature adults, should strap up our proverbial bootstraps, and though we weren’t planning on children for a few more years, make the best out of this situation. Finances can be overcome – we love each other and this is something that can be worked through. Abortion is a selfish option that ends the life of our unborn child, and even though admittedly the timing could be better, this is far from a worse-case scenario. This won’t end anyone’s dreams of success or hinder any further accomplishments (education, milemarkers, etc.). This person cannot fathom killing an unborn child because of such seemingly minute details.
opinion 2: Though regrettable, abortion is the best option. We are not in the most stable financial position right now, and we are already stressed with what we are going through – adding more stress to the already tense environment would not be beneficial to any of us. Yes, it is sad, but right now is just not the time for a baby – we should wait until we had planned to start a family and do it then. We were taking all of the precautions we could, and that should speak to the fact that we just aren’t ready to make these kinds of decisions/sacrifices.
My trouble is, I see the validity in both sides of the story. Though we are both trying to be empathetic and understand the other, we remain on opposite sides of the fence. No matter what decision is made, it will feel like one of us is winning and one of us as losing, and I am worried about the future of our relationship. If we abort, will there always be resentment on behalf of the one who didn’t want to lose a child? If we choose not to abort, when a hard time arises, will the one who desired the termination always throw into the mix “well, this could have been avoided….”
I’m very torn, and I know that *ultimately* as the woman, the decision is mine…. Help!
Someone who maybe has been through this? Someone who is not going to chastise me for being open to all options? Thank you, in advance.

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3 Responses to “Need Objective Advice On My Situation – Should I Have An Abortion Or Not?”

  1. Kayla says:

    Having an abortion will tear you apart. In all seriousness. If you are planning on having kids in a few years, or whenever, it will tear you apart and it could also cause issues getting pregnant later on due to the scar tissue it creates.
    I truly think adoption would be your best case in this scenario. It has the least risks, procedures, and it takes care of all of your problems without putting anyone physically or emotionally at risk.
    If you have any questions feel free to contact me, I am a childbirth educator and birth doula so I can answer any questions you have.
    I wish you luck and hope you figure things out. Good luck!

  2. Katherine W says:

    Let’s say that the woman had a miscarriage. Would the one who wanted a baby hold it against her forever? Miscarriages happen.
    If you’re going to have tough times, do you really want to be with someone who throws in your face that you didn’t an abortion? What kind of person is that? And frankly, it’s not true that having or not having a child avoids all the fighting in a relationship. Saying, “All this could have been avoided” isn’t true. Do you really want to be with someone who would throw a decision to have a child in your face every time you fight, for years to come?
    Looking at this situation, you’re not married. If he really wanted a child right now, he could drop to one knee and say, “Let’s get married.” (I’m assuming he is the one who wants a child.) He’s not doing that. There’s a reason for that. I don’t know what the reason is, but you do. Men who marry stick around. Men who say, “It’s the wrong time to get married” are looking for a way out. Frankly, if you’re the one who doesn’t want to get married right now, there’s a reason for that, too.
    I think it’s fine to look at all options. I don’t believe that the soul of a child enters until the baby is about to be born. Right now, it’s a collection of cells. When the time is right later, you can have a child. Why bring a child into a world of struggle and poverty? Having a child is expensive. You should be stable before you do so. Just living together is less stable than marriage, and you’re financially not stable either.
    The whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” is like saying that having a child is punishment in some way. And saying that “finances can be overcome” is unrealistic. Really, how is that supposed to work? Do you magically get a job with insurance because you’re pregnant? Not likely. If you look at the fact that 80% of divorces (I don’t know about breakups), are due to financial reasons, then you’ll see that adding a child just adds stress and more financial costs. Just the first year of a child’s life costs $5,000, and more if you don’t have good health insurance. Having a child costs $200,000 to raise one. You don’t want to raise a child in poverty, do you? And getting more work while you’re pregnant is difficult, and it’s hard to find child care if you’re a working woman, and then to be able to afford it is another thing.
    Me personally, I’d have the abortion. Wait until you’re ready.
    This isn’t about one person “winning” and the other “losing.” It’s about making a decision that works for everyone. And yes, the woman gets the final say. However, if you’re the one saying to have a baby, he’s not going to stick around just because you do.
    Oh, and the other answer is wrong. Abortion is one of the safest medical procedures. It doesn’t “cause scar tissue” and it doesn’t affect your chances of getting pregnant later.
    BTW, there was a study published in the Washington Post (it’s online), that compared women who had abortions to women who were turned down because they were past the deadline for one. A year later, the women who had abortions expressed relief and not regret. The women who didn’t have them felt regret at not having one. So all those people who say “children are a blessing” and “you won’t regret it” are wrong.
    After this, talk to the doctor about using a different kind of birth control. Maybe two methods would be better. Maybe you could get an IUD or a diaphragm or add spermicide. A doctor will be able to advise you.
    Thank you for being responsible. I’m sorry birth control didn’t work.

  3. International Dave says:

    While I have heard of many couples or persons who have regretted their abortions as they look back to what they have done in their lives, I know of virtually no one who looked back and thought they really should have aborted this child they have. Many who wanted the abortion change and are glad they did not go that way as the child is born and grows. So the most likely option to ultimately bring happiness to both and preserve your marriage – accept and welcome this child as an unexpected blessing!

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