Second Opinion And Editing Of Scholarship Essay Needed.?

Hi,
I am looking for second opinions and any editing on my essay for a major scholarship. The essay is set 20 years from now and it answers the question: How will this scholarship impact your life?
Any reply will be appreciated.
Thanks
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It is unbelievable that the last twenty years have passed so quickly; so much has changed since I got my degree. My life now is devoted to my wonderful family of five, my mother, wife and two children, my job and hobbies, and making a difference in the world. I now provide my family the life I envisioned as a Senior Overseas Project Manager for Exxon and I am in hands’ reach to grasping the position of Senior Partner with my recent MBA from Harvard Business School. Working towards this has kept me very busy for the past ten years but I have managed to make time not only for my family but myself; I exercise regularly and coach my son’s basketball team. Over the past 15 years I have incorporated community service and support into my ideal life to make a change no matter how small. During and post University I worked with Big Brothers and Big Sisters (BBBS) as a volunteer big brother for Jason and Katie for eight years. Meeting Jason was a pleasure last week. He acknowledged the impact of my support in his life and as a result he now volunteers with BBBS. My family and I volunteer every few months at the homeless shelter because I want my kids to understand humility; being born in a blessed family does not make them better than anyone else, instead it gives them a responsibility to support the less fortunate.
I did not grow up in a wealthy family, in fact the opposite; I grew up with my mother and brother in a low income family for the majority of my life. The stress broke down my mother’s body and forced her to take disability leave which became the only source of income for the family. Her desire to provide a better life for us led her to start a business which was unsuccessful for almost four years despite the countless hours invested by all of us. A failed business is very wise; it taught me various life lessons and skills at a young age; managing time efficiently, teaching, determination, marketing, sales, managing customers and putting aside my ego. Despite the wisdom, the business failed to generate wealth. We did not have enough money for me to pursue my dreams and receive further education; I was solely dependent on scholarships and large amounts of student loans.
I am filled with gratitude as I write this thank you letter to Education Matters for providing me the opportunity to attend university. The “Kermet Archibald & Jacoba Van den Brink Entrance Bursary” is the reason I stand where I stand today; it allowed me to start a new life for my family and I. As a token of my appreciation I have also started a bursary for post secondary education for high achieving high school students from low income families.
With sincere thanks,
**** ******

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