What Do You Guys Think Of My Introductory Paragraph On My Essay?

Have you ever realize what it is like to waste your time going on the internet all day long without even starting on your homework assignment? In many ways we waste our time on Facebook, SMS, Twitter, YouTube, online shopping, etc. No matter how often we waste our time using the internet on a bright screen, we just could not fight a way to focus on our homework assignment because the browser grabs our attention with lots of interesting news articles. Also, Advertisements and notifications that pop up in middle of nowhere lead us to a distraction where we are forced to stop typing our essays immediately so then we waste 10 additional minutes checking our received messages or closing the popups from the browser. Even if we decide to surf on the web for merely a minute during our break, we tend to take up to an hour digging in to our news feed for older updates. Also, we see an advertisement on the top right hand corner of the page sponsored by 6pm.com, advertising users about discounts for Sperry Top Sider boat shoes. Therefore, we waste a few additional hours navigating a variety of shoes that is posted on sale. In my experience, I believe that the internet shapes who we are as of today because we tend to waste our time checking on our social network pages, watching unlimited amount of YouTube videos, and online shopping.
Soo my argumentative essay is mainly on how the internet shapes who we are. I said that the internet wastes our time in work and during homework time. Any areas that I need to improve on my introductory paragraph? I can’t really move on to my body paragraphs until this opening paragraph is good.

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3 Responses to “What Do You Guys Think Of My Introductory Paragraph On My Essay?”

  1. Dakota says:

    It’s pretty good and has strong proofs to it.
    I like it

  2. Jimmy says:

    too long cant read

  3. Caterpil says:

    Not very good. You repeat the word ‘also’ too much, and it sounds too much like a list and a rant.
    The rhetorical questuon is uneffective, as most people probably have done that so it is not shocking, thus does not grab attention.
    It is unorigianal and lacks discorse marker variety.
    Moreover (there’s one) you give too much away in the first paragraph.
    It should be a brief introduction.
    A good introduction could be;
    Have you ever stopped to think what life would be like with out the internet these days? Have you ever stopped to consider the possitives, for example how much extra work you could do in the time you normerilly spend online? In this essay I will explore the ways in which the internet faciluates the youth of the modern age to become distracted from their important studdies.
    For one, the average teenager wastes multitudenous hours browsing inane social media sites such as Facebook, MySpace and YouTube to name just a few, and it does not matter how imperetive their forever pending homework is, the bright lights of the internet always manage to somehow surplas homeworks importance in the mind of the usual naive teen.
    Moreover, they are at the mercy of the fearful attention consuming ‘pop ups’, which capture attention like a net catches fish.
    I know you put in your personal opinion at the end, but trust me, save that to the end.

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